Mindfulness is the first of the four steps, and it is the one the other three depend on. Before you can be kind to yourself about something, before you can work out what is really driving it, before you can change a belief, you have to be able to see what is actually there.

So mindfulness is a skill. It is the skill of becoming aware of what is happening around you, and what is happening within you.

Mindfulness Is Not Meditation

This trips up almost everyone, so it is worth clearing up straight away.

Meditation is an exercise. It is one way of training the skill, in the same way that lifting weights is one way of building strength. Mindfulness is the fitness. Meditation is the training.

There are other ways to train mindfulness. Writing. Mirror work. Or simply paying attention in the middle of an ordinary day.

Aware of What, Exactly?

There are four things, and they build on each other.

1. The first is your feelings, and the emotions those feelings add up to.
2. The second is the beliefs underneath them, because a belief is what produced the feeling in the first place.
3. The third is the behavioral options your brain puts in front of you.
4. And the fourth is the impact of those behaviors. What actually happens if you choose one of them.

Most of us only ever notice the first one.

Two Kinds of Awareness

The first is knowing where your attention is. Not what you are thinking about, but where your attention has landed, and whether you put it there on purpose.

The second is knowing what is actually in your experience. That is the four things above.

Present, Past, and What You Anticipate

Mindfulness is usually described as being in the present moment. That is part of it, but only part.

You also need awareness of your past, because that is where your current beliefs were formed. And you need awareness of what you expect to happen next, because very often that is what you are actually reacting to.

Present, past, and what you anticipate. All three.

What this gives you is a pause. It takes your brain off autopilot, so there is a gap between something happening and you responding to it. That gap is where everything else in this approach becomes possible.